The Crack Of SHINRA Janitors: The Crackier Edition
by LiulfrLokison
Summary: The cameos and one shots of SHINRA Janitors that certainly will not obey the laws of physic, logic and reality. This includes Time Travel Fix - Its, completely out of character characters, and ideas fueled by energy drinks. You have been warned. Part 3 of the SHINRA Electric Power Company Crack
1. Chp 1: SomeoneNeedsToWorkOnTheirTiming

_This was sort of spawned due to a conversation on AO3, and it has become . . . . this thing you see before you._

 _Keith: Well, I'm going to enjoy this. I get to screw around with people more than often!  
Liulfr: It's going to be weird. Sephiroth has gotten me addicted to energy drinks now, ironically the energy drink 'Mother'  
Keith: And that means for me?  
Liulfr: Some really messed up crack is going to happen. _

_I do not happen to own the rights to FFVII or any characters to recognize. Because if I did, Sephiroth would have never gone crazy because he would be too addicted to chocolate and energy drinks._

 **Where Universe Hopping Is A Thing, And No, You Cannot Have The Shiny Ring! (Installment 1)**

 ** _Chapter 1: Someone Needs To Work On Their Timing_**

-o0o-

Today had been a normal day.

Coffee was being split, secretaries 'obviously' do their jobs, and Sephiroth was being stalked by a human chocobo.

. . . . .

Okay, we'll back that truck up a sec.

 _Let's spin the clock back, let's say, around two hours ago?_

-o0o-

Sephiroth had woken up believing today would be normal, like any other.

Yesterday's meeting had gone surprisingly well, Keith had his usual mug of root beer, eyes flicking to the scientific papers Hojo and the janitor had spread across their laps. The other executives in the room were all too happy to leave the two masterminds of chaos and discord to their crazy mumbo jumbo, not wanting to incur Keith's wrath after the last prison escape.

No one wanted to know what Hollander planned to do with a Grand Horn.

Keith had been humming though, after the meeting. Not like an absent minded humming when one was bored, but one that indicated a happy mood due to expecting something good in the future.

Keith had brushed of his inquiry by saying that an old friend of his was dropping by soon, so he was happy to see them again.

Knowing Keith, the man wouldn't crack under any form of interrogation, so he left the matter at that.

But today, certainly wasn't a normal day.

Sephiroth knew Zack had an infatuation with a SOLDIER cadet, who had also won the affection of both Keith and Reno. He himself had seen the cadets records, the boy wasn't too shabby but was prone to bullying. However, Keith's gift of the fluff – ball had sorted that issue out for the Nibelhelm boy.

And like all other SOLDIER cadets, the boy probably had an infatuation with him, being the General of SOLDIER.

The few times he had met the blonde haired cadet, he had seen obvious hero worship in those large sky blue eyes (which were sometimes eerily similar to Keith's own), but right now, he was rather concerned to why the cadet in question was sitting in the SOLDER 1st Class longue and drinking a can of root beer.

Keith was the only other person in the Tower that actually drank the stuff, so the can had to have come from Keith's office.

"Good morning General."

Jolted out of his thoughts, Sephiroth eyed the cadet warily.

There was something . . . off about his behaviour.

"Good morning. I suppose you accessed the longue via the ventilation shafts?"

Sephiroth really needed to ask Keith if the Tower security was compromised in that regard, but his blonde friend merely dodged the question every single time it was brought up.

"Yep!" The cadet chirped, way too chipper for being awake at –

Checking the time on his PHS, it said it was 5:30 AM.

Something was seriously wrong with the cadet, Sephiroth wondered how irritated Zack would be if he called him up to collect the chocobo in human skin.

"See you around General!" The cadet seemed to solve that problem for him, waltzing out of the longue with a spring in his step, humming a tune that seemed oddly familiar.

But Sephiroth just couldn't put his finger on it.

Deciding that the matter was done and dealt with, Sephiroth proceeded to his office and prepared himself for the work day ahead of him.

-o0o-

 _Two hours later . . ._

Sephiroth was at his wits end.

Every time he left his office, he somehow kept running into the blonde cadet, and getting very different reactions each time he saw the boy.

Sometimes the boy would be the usual shy cadet out doing paper runs for some overworked records staff, and other times he would be the hyped up energy ball with a mega – watt grin on his face.

Deciding that enough was enough, Sephiroth made his way down to Keith's office, hoping the man could somehow keep the blonde cadet with him for the rest of the day so that Sephiroth wouldn't go insane in the next few hours.

As he approached the Head Janitors office door, he paused as he heard three sets of voices inside, two sounding almost exactly the same and Keith's familiar exasperated tone.

"Are you trying to get us caught?" The cadet's voice, it was high pitched, tense and full of terror.

"But it's so much fun to wind him up! He doesn't suspect a thing! Plus the security is really lax, they should really work on that." The . . . cadets voice again, but there was a slightly crazed edge to his words that was peculiarly similar to Professor Hojo when he was on the verge of a huge scientific breakthrough.

"Howl, you know I love you, but you need to work on your timing. We still need to get rid of Hollander, otherwise we'll never be able to pull this off." Keith's voice, with the same sort of tone that he used when scolding the Junior Turks that stealth practice meant **actually being stealthy.**

"Well, it's a bit too late now. He's here." The crazed cadet's voice responded, there was a squeak of panic and Keith let out a foul curse.

Before Sephiroth could react, the door was flung open and a deceptively thin hand threw him inside the office with the force of a behemoth behind it. The air rushed from his lungs when his back hit the floor and a pair of knees slammed into his stomach, ice blue eyes with a tinge of gold and filled with pure insanity staring down at him, a bright grin and a demonic giggle accompanying the sight.

"Howl! Sephiroth isn't like Him!" Zack's cadet exclaimed, hovering on the corner of Sephiroth's eyesight, clearly in distress and panicking judging from how his fingers were spasming.

"But he could be." The cadet's clone sitting on top of him whined, the crushing grip on his wrists preventing him from even attempting to get up. He heard Keith sigh, and tilting his head back, he found the blonde janitor standing over him with a contemplative expression on his face.

"Keith, answers, please?" Sephiroth wheezed, he could feel the bruises already starting to form on his wrists.

Several minutes passed by, the clone made no move and Sephiroth was quietly gasping for air, since the clone wasn't letting up on the pressure on his torso.

"Howl, off."

The clone pouted, but clambered off Sephiroth before tucking himself against Keith's side, the taller man not at all bothered by his new leech that was grinning like a loon.

"Take a seat." Keith motioned to the couch, his tone indicating that Sephiroth had to obey otherwise he would get his ass kicked. Not wanting to test his luck, Sephiroth sat himself down while hoping the clone wouldn't attempt to gouge his spleen out with his bony knees again. The only reassurance he had was when the cadet sat next to him, giving him a shy smile that was oddly soothing considering the circumstances.

Keith had placed himself in his office chair, not once blinking as the clone hopped into his lap and hummed contently like a giant cat when the janitor patted his head. Cronkle did nothing, the purple lizard opening an eye before returning to sleep, not at all disturbed by the fact that there were two Cloud Strife's in the room.

"You're probably wondering what the hell is going on. It's not exactly easy to explain." Keith gave the clone a glare at this, but the clone merely giggled at the death stare aimed at his head. Sephiroth found himself lost, and gestured to the clone hoping that his 'friend?' (he wasn't practically sure if Keith was his friend right now) would explain that detail to him.

"Ah, well, this is my younger brother. Howl Strife."

. . . .

Complete and total mind blank.

"You're, you're serious?" Sephiroth found himself choking out after a few minutes of silence had passed and he still had no clue what he was hearing. Keith merely nodded in reply, letting Sephiroth drink in the fact that he actually had a younger brother who was basically a twin of Cloud Strife.

"My real name is Keith Salazar Strife. I was born in the year 39 BM. in Nibelhelm on a planet known as Callatrax, in District 11B of the Septuaginta star – system located in Sector 17 of the Conspectum galaxy."

Sephiroth was still trying to process the foreign words when Howl decided to pitch in.

"I'm Howl Godric Strife, formerly known as Cloud Rowen Strife born in the year 29 BM. in Nibelhelm on planet Callatrax, District 11B of the Septuaginta system, Sector 17 of the Conspectum galaxy. Hi Sephiroth."

Howl certainly wasn't sane, and judging from how exasperated Keith looked, this was normal behaviour for the rather spazzy male.

"They're both from an alternate galaxy. From what they've told me it's an identical twin of ours but with some differences. Keith and Howl both applied for SOLDIER." Cloud seemed to have been in the know for a while considering how calm the cadet was, but Sephiroth was stuck on the fact that Keith had applied for SOLDIER.

Why hadn't he done the same here?

"I made it into SOLDIER, advanced to 2nd Class. When Howl applied, he failed and joined the infantry. There was an incident that sparked the downfall of Shinra. Howl was unfortunately experimented on and now his body is forever stuck in the same form as his 16 year old self. He can't put on muscle, won't get older and certainly won't get taller. I stopped aging around 35, but that doesn't mean we can't get stronger. Many years passed since SHINRA's downfall in the year 1 AM. Technology advanced and the world moved on, but we stayed the same. People started to notice, so we began to explore our universe."

Keith had a wistful look in his eyes, and Howl seemed to be reminiscing as well, but the insane glint was still clearly visible in his eyes.

"Apparently after some time, the Goddess Minerva took notice of them and asked if they could help prevent the same thing from happening in our universe. I wouldn't have known about this either, but I found Howl sitting in Keith's office a couple of months ago and he told me everything." Cloud murmured, fidgeting with the hem of his shirt while Mini Cloud rolled around on the couch.

"Big brother has really done a lot already. But he doesn't let me visit much." Howl pouted, resting his head on Keith's shoulder while he pulled a pen apart ignoring the fact he was getting ink all over his fingers.

"Because it's hard to keep you entertained while I'm snooping around. You're a restless little imp that cannot go unsupervised. I truly pity those Slytherin's that have you for a roommate." Keith plucked the pen pieces out of Cloud's hands and flicked his fingers.

A can of root beer came floating out of nowhere and Howl snatched it out of the air, clutching it like it was a piece of gold.

"Your snakes are fun to room with. They know how to be subtle. My lions aren't so much, they're too brazen." Howl muttered after taking a sip of the drink, causing Keith to sigh and run a hand through his hair. "They take after you, too headstrong and running into things without thinking about it." Howl scowled at this, but took another sip of the root beer.

"That's why you're here, you're the thinker, and I'm the brawler."

This argument seemed to be an ongoing battle, as Keith said nothing but turned his attention back onto Sephiroth.

"While I'm here, I had to leave Howl on planet Mawgester in District 2A of the Mortis Fabulae star – system in Sector 4. It was just starting out as a world when we arrived, but basically it turned into a world were magic was only known to a select people with the gift. We both sort of helped teach the first few generations. They're currently on a brink of a war, and Howl's just there to keep the kids safe."

That was a whole mess that Sephiroth wasn't going to even try touch with a ten foot long pole.

"So, now that you're in the know . . ."

The growing demonic smirk on Keith's face set off every alarm bell in Sephiroth's mind, and he was truly fearing what his 'friend?' was about to say.

"Want to help bring about the downfall of SHINRA?"

Yep, he was screwed.

-o0o-

 _A/N: This is installment number 1, as this will be it's own story arc, but I will be posting one - shots in - between when they decide to throw themselves into the limelight._

 _Next Chapter:_ ** _Chapter 2: I Can't Believe No One Noticed_**

 _The version where Keith is actually a woman. And no one seemed to realise that fact._

 _LiulfrLokison out! :3_


	2. Chp 2: I Can't Believe No One Noticed

**_Chapter 2:_** _ **I Can't Believe No One Noticed**_

 _The version where Keith is actually a woman. And no one seemed to realise that fact._

 _-o0o-_

 _Sorry that this chapter took a while. University started back up for me and I just didn't have that much motivation during my time off._

 _Keith: Well, I certainly enjoyed this chapter.  
Liulfr: That's because you got to watch the entire Tower freak out.  
Keith: Isn't that normal?  
Liulfr: . . . You know what, just, go drink some root beer or something.  
Keith: Fine, and try to stay awake during your lecture.  
Liulfr: Like you're one to talk. Neither of us are morning people.  
Keith: Yeah, yeah, disclaimer please._

 _ **I do not own any character you see here that belongs to the FFVII franchise, only my own idea and the OC's that are spawned from this series.**_

 _Enjoy the chapter!_

-o0o-

Keith was 36 by the time the majority of the Tower realised the truth.

And no, it hadn't been by accident, but by Keith's own omission.

Everybody in the tower realised that Keith was crabbier than usual for a few days every month after the first year Keith became Head Janitor, some of the janitors joking that Keith was on 'his period'.

Of course, Keith didn't bother to correct them but took the joke on in stride.

There was only one person in the Tower that knew the truth, which was Omael. Keith had met Omael as a child, and was the only one Keith trusted for health checkups.

And of course when the truth came out, Omael cackled like a madman as the Tower internally combusted from the revelation.

Many of the employees, Turk, SOLDIER and janitor alike, became quite flustered as they realised what they had been calling Keith all these years.

That their father figure was actually a . . .

Yes, Keith was actually a woman.

Needless to say, the tower was thrown into disarray for several days as the news spread.

-o0o-

Keith was actually surprised that no one had found out she was actually a woman, but considering that her original files had been destroyed when some flustered intern shredded employee documents and in the mayhem concerning Wutai, nobody had gotten around to actually replacing those files. If asked, most thought the files were buried deep in the record stacks (the intern had been discreetly recruited by the Turks who often sent this intern out to wreck havoc on the management departments that ticked them off), and hadn't bothered to dig deeper.

No one had patience with documents.

It really had been a slip of the tongue, Zack had noted how she was being crabby again but wasn't in on the 'period' joke. So when he asked if Keith was alright, in her absolutely miserable state of body and mind, she hadn't thought before she spoke.

"Just on my period. Let me wallow in my misery." Periods cramps were a serious pain in the ass, but she just had to get past the first day and then she would suffer aching limbs and chocolate cravings for the rest of the monthly torture.

Hearing Zack choke on his own spit made Keith realise that she wasn't talking to one of her janitors, glancing up slowly as her neck was really crying out for a heat pack, only to find a white faced SOLDIER who looked just about to faint.

"Did . . . you just say . . . 'period'?"

Considering she had a pounding headache, it really couldn't get any more worse.

So Keith decided it was time to stop beating around the bush.

"Yes Zack, I'm a woman."

Zack looked as if someone had just told him that all the puppies, kittens and chocobo chicks in the world had just been brutally slaughtered and thrown off a cliff.

"Oh."

She really should have known Zack would faint, but she really couldn't care at this point.

Leaving the puppy – like SOLDIER on the floor, Keith also forgot how much of a blabbermouth the boy was.

By the time she came into work the next day, everyone knew.

And by the gods, the questions they asked . . .

-o0o-

"So, they found out."

"Yes, do you have any chocolate? I'm craving one right now and I rather not get asked how the fuck did the Turks not notice for the sixth time."

Keith of course hid out in Omael's office the day after, she had to come to work but after three hours of awkward questioning she had given into her building rage and punched the next person to ask her a question in the face, causing a broken nose, a good amount of tears and high pitch gibbering from the 2nd Class SOLDIER who wanted to know if she was just flat chested.

After that, everyone avoided her and she had gone to Omael's office hoping the scientist would take pity on her.

"I'll do you one better. I still have a heat pad you left here last time." Omael patted her on the shoulder and placed two Snicker bars onto the desk.

"Thanks, my shoulders are killing me." Keith let out a groan of relief as Omael headed off to the kitchen attached to his office, almost tearing into the first bar to get rid of her sweet tooth yearning that had been bothering her ever since the questions had started.

Keith had never really had any problem with the fact she was female, the only setback was the periods. She had always been a tomboy and having grown up without proper parent figures, she had to toughen up otherwise she wouldn't have survived in Nibelhelm.

The townsfolk had thought she had been a boy, and she didn't have much clothing options, meaning she had to settle with what she could get, meaning skirts and dresses were out of the question.

And considering their . . . 'hospitality' . . .

Keith really had to hunker down and use whatever she could get her hands on. Which ironically was the reason she caught Omael's attention in the first place.

The scientist had arrived in Nibelheim with the research team when she had been perhaps about ten years old, and unlike the bigoted villagers, she had been quite surprised when an adult had approached her and asked about the mountain ranges. Apparently the fact that she often haunted the Nibel heights was something the villagers had told the research team so they would avoid her, but that made her more valuable to certain members of the SHINRA team since the villagers didn't know the mountain paths as extensively as she did.

She had been wandering them for as long as she could remember.

Omael had been quick to befriend her, asking for areas in the mountain they should avoid regarding the infamous Nibel dragons and wolves.

In fact, it was how she started her real first job, guiding the researchers through the mountain passes and avoiding the territories of the mountain predators. She showed the materia caves only to Omael, as the other scientists were greedy and profit driven, if she showed them the main mako springs, they would drain them dry and throw the whole eco – system of the mountain into disarray.

Omael was the only one to notice she was in fact a girl, offering to hide her secret in case the lesser moral driven scientists or guards decided to take advantage of her.

She had been more than overjoyed to meet Omael again when she joined SHINRA, and Omael was just as happy to see her, and kept her secret safe in case her superiors dismissed her worth because she was a woman.

And here she was, standing at the top of the food chain in the most powerful company throughout Gaia.

And now that her secret was out, the Tower would just have to deal with the backlash of the revelation.

-o0o-

Keith liked Tseng's reaction the most.

"So, you're a woman."

"Yep. That a problem?"

"No. Although it makes sense why you can scare people into submission. Women are terrifying when angry."

Keith couldn't stop laughing after that, and now the female Turks understood why Keith sympathized with them and often saw the signs of when they were on their monthlies. They always thought the janitor was very observant, but now they knew that they could go to Keith anytime and not be embaressed to inform her that the necessities were almost out of stock on their floor.

It took the Tower two weeks to realise despite the fact that they realised Keith was a woman, the janitor didn't really act any differently than before. Keith was still the down – right terrifying, caring, strict and helpful janitor, just because they knew her real gender now didn't change how she acted around them.

And so they settled back into their normal routine, although the female Turks and secretaries found they had an ally in Keith who understood their woes (although if they started bitching about their manicures Keith certainly wouldn't stick around).

What was more horrifying for Cloud though, was when Keith and his mother started talking to each other.

Cloud had written back and asked if his mother had known Keith was a girl, and it turned out in fact that his mother (who was only a year younger than Keith) was one of the only village children who talked to Keith, and in fact admitted to having a crush on the only other blonde in Nibelhelm.

Now Cloud had to suffer through his mother telling Keith about Cloud's childhood and all the embarrassing stories that came with it.

Zack's parents were the same, his mother certainly wanting to meet with the only other woman that could handle her rambunctious boy with such ease.

The Tower also learned that Keith would not hesitate to punch anyone in the face if she heard any derogatory words towards women.

She had startled everyone during the monthly meeting when a rather pompous supervisor who had come from Junon insulted Scarlet's intellect because of a few minor flaws in her designs (that the Weapon's Department Head knew about but was working with her team on how to fix those), a second later Keith had vaulted over the table and slugged the cocky blonde right in the mouth.

It took both Sephiroth and Tseng to pull her off the man and drag her from the meeting room, leaving the traumatized sod of a man cradling his broken jaw in the remains of his chair on the carpet, a fearful room of executives and a gleeful Scarlet (who had to leave the room to prevent herself from bursting out into laughter and crying from mirth over her paperwork).

Scarlet soon showed her gratefulness by inviting Keith to her department, and the two women spent an afternoon mucking around in the engines of a broken down jeep that Scarlet had been restoring when she needed a break between working on designs.

(The whole Tower were petrified to think what the two women might make if they decided to create a new robot for the Weapon's Department).

That day Keith and Scarlet formed a friendship, both understanding the woes of being the female head of a department and having worked their asses off to get to those positions.

And when Omael became part of that friendship, it truly shocked those who found out about it.

(Someone managed to get a picture of Angeal choking on his tea when Genesis happily informed him of the news that the heads of the Science, Janitorial and Weapons Department were seen enjoying a hot drink together and mulling over some sort of blueprints in Scarlet's office.)

Sephiroth's reaction was also captured, on film.

Which soon got uploaded onto social media and made Keith laugh until she was wheezing for air on the floor of her office, with a sulking Sephiroth and a bemused Tseng waiting for her to catch her breath before asking her how the scientist had wormed his way into Scarlet's good graces.

Seeing a video of Sephiroth dropping his hot drink into his lap, shooting up out of his chair while swearing, tripping up on said chair and upturning his entire desk was something that even the most crankiest bastard in all of Gaia couldn't help but chuckle at.

Keith was going to have the video burned onto a DVD, just so that there would always be a copy in case Sephiroth tried to have all evidence of it erased from the internet.

By the Goddess, she loved modern technology.

-o0o-

 _A/N: Ah, just so tired right now._

 _Next chapter:_ _ **Chapter 3: Dragons Walk Among Us**_

 _Some people in Midgar happen to have wings. And scales._

 _In short, they're dragons._

 _LiulfrLokison out! :3_


	3. Chp 3: Mental Breakdowns

_So . . . It's been a while since I updated, and I'm sorry to say that it'll be a while before the next chapter due to two essays I've got due in the first weeks of May. But, there's this thing and I'm just going to drop it in here!_

 _No banter between me and Keith here for once! Hope you enjoyed this small chapter!_

 ** _Chapter 3: Mental Breakdowns_**

 _Someone has a mental breakdown._

 _They are the last person Sephiroth expected to have a mental breakdown._

 ** _BASED ON A TRUE STORY_**

 _Disclaimer: I don't own any characters except Keith. All other characters belong to their respective creators._

-o0o-

Keith was the most composed man that Sephiroth knew.

Nothing could phase the ash blonde haired janitor, and if Sephiroth needed someone to talk to so he could calm down, it was that man.

So when he picked up his phone to answer a missed call from the head janitor, he certainly didn't expect to hear a blubbering voice instead of the calm, cool and collected male.

What on Gaia was going on?

-o0o-

 ** _He had lost it._**

 _ **He didn't know how, but he did, and he lost it.**_

Keith found himself on the verge of utter despair, sniffling to hold his tears at bay and his entire body was spasming as he tried not to sob.

After half an hour of searching, he couldn't bear it any longer and so he sent a text to the first person on his contact list.

A minute passed by and he called them.

Voice mail.

So know he was freaking out and deciding to call again or not, sniffling yet again and focusing on his phone screen instead of the people passing by him and shooting him a weird look but kept walking on by.

He was on the verge of screaming and checking up and down the street again, swearing under his breath as he stared at the phone screen, and utter relief filled his body when he received a call.

Although he began to cry when he started to talk.

"Seph?"

 _"Keith? Are you alright?"_

Sephiroth certainly sounded baffled, and he had reason to, Sephiroth had never heard Keith crying, and it wasn't a pretty sight, voice wavering and stuttering, growing higher in pitch as he tried to speak again.

"I lost it. I lost it, I'm an idiot, I lost it and I don't know what to do!"

Keith yelled into his phone, sniffling yet again and hugging himself with his spare arm as his body spasmed at the effort to not begin to burst out into sobs and curl into a miserable ball on the concrete.

 _"Keith, take a breath. What did you lose?"_

Keith let out a deep breath, composing himself and wiping the stray tears from his eyes.

His veins were pumping with adrenaline, his body was trembling like a leaf tumbling through a mighty wind, and his eyesight was blurry. His bag felt like it was full of stones on his back, and the flickering lamp light certainly wasn't calming him down.

 _"Keith? Are you calm now?"_

"Y – yeah. I'm, I'm good."

 _"Okay, where are you?"_

"Sector 8. Near the train station."

 _"Alright. You said you lost something?"_

And like a rubber band snapping, Keith lost it again.

"I was walking, I realised my pocket was empty, and ohGaiaIlostmywalletandI'mfreakingouthere!"

 _"Keith? Could you repeat that?"_

Sephiroth seemed to have picked up the fact his breath was hitched, and his smooth baritone voice was doing wonders for his panic right now.

"I, I lost my wallet. I had it earlier when I got off the train, but between there and here I lost it."

He had his phone number written down on a card inside it, a few gil, his credit card, library card and SHINRA ID.

Keith was normally always cautious with his personal belongings, and so this was the first time he had lost his wallet.

 _"Keith, I want you to head to the fountain in Sector 0. Wait there. I'll come and help you find it. Alright?"_

"O – okay. I'll wait there."

Keith sniffled, and prayed for a miracle.

-o0o-

Sephiroth found Keith crying his eyes out at the fountain ten minutes later, and was quite glad he ran into Tseng on the way down. Tseng had finished work, but hearing about Keith's plight he quickly offered to help.

It took about five minutes to calm Keith down so that he didn't break into sobs again mid – sentence, and they set off to look for his missing wallet.

-o0o-

They searched for an hour before someone called Keith's cellphone, and by now it was almost 8:30pm, the street lamps were the only source of light.

Keith wept with tears of joy when a kind lady handed him his wallet back (apparently her son had found it on his way back home and so had passed it to his mother), already beginning to sniffle as Sephiroth and Tseng lead him back to his apartment complex.

It was truly a miracle, who else had lost their wallet and got it returned to them in the same day, mere hours after it had gone missing?

Keith swore to himself that he would bake a cake or cookies tomorrow to give to the lady and her son.

And he was so blessed to have such great friends.

He would probably make those chocolate cookies that Sephiroth loved so much, since Sephiroth hadn't freaked out too much over him losing his composure.

-o0o-

 _A/N: So . . . true story. Tonight I was walking home from the train station after coming back from University so I could get into the mindset of writing my essay and . . ._

 _I lost my wallet._

 _Cue the freak out and many tears being shed, it was dark and the area I walked in until I realized I had lost it was a large hill and the street lamps kept going on and off. I spent about half an hour to forty minutes before texting and calling my mum (who was in Wellington for training), pretty much crying over the phone, and spent another half hour searching up and down the hill with the light from my crappy phone until her next call that they were leaving for home. It was pretty cold out there, it was 8:00PM, so I spent the next forty minutes sniffling and trying not to cry while sitting on some railings until they arrived. Searched up the hill and my brother had a torch light luckily. Asked my parents to drive home while we kept looking, my dad turned up with the car a few minutes later saying that a lady's son had found it, they left a message on our home phone and my mum got the address. Drove down the hill, and I began to tear up again when I got it back. (My voice went the sort of high pitch when you talk while crying and I nearly starting sobbing then). I'm probably going to make a cake and give it to them as thanks tomorrow._

 _I'm sort of in the state of when you have that adrenaline rush but have no idea what to do with it, so you're sort of in shock. So I quickly wrote this chapter in a way of dealing with that adrenaline, like some sort of therapy._

 _Who else has lost their wallet before and freaked out like I did? I'm just so glad I have it back, and I'm gonna pop off to bed now. Probably going to cry myself to sleep from the residual panic and exhilaration of getting it back (my dad lost his wallet last year and never got it back)._

 _LiulfrLokison out! TT_TT (These are happy tears!)_


	4. Chp 4: Mechanical Mishaps

Prompt: Nothing was ever the same after The Great Slushy Machine Catastrophe.

-o0o-

 _So, I forgot that I had this prompt lying around, and so finally got around to doing it. ChaosBalance then added this on:_ _ **Maybe it was because of the discovered trooper who had the mako levels of a third-class (why anyone thought using mako-contaminated water in sweets or ice desserts was a mystery worthy of the goddess, Sephiroth just liked that those Sugar Crystals were a lot easier to use than the mako showers whether said crystals were frozen or not).**_ _And so this chapter was spawned. Chaos really helped a ton with it!_

Disclaimer: All characters belong to their respective owners.

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 _ **Chapter 4: Mechanical Mishaps**_

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The tower was in chaos once again.

Because something broke down.

 **AGAIN.**

On a day to day basis, machines breaking down wouldn't be an issue as it only affected certain departments or staff depending on what type of machine it was.

Printers weren't an issue, unless your security level was to high for other computers (this had caused Sephiroth much grief in the past).

Computers were always replaceable, it just mattered on how much work you had lost, and most staff backed up their work.

But there was one machine that affected a vast majority of the SHINRA staff and would cause the whole company to fall into disarray if it ever stopped functioning.

Sugar was important to every staff worker, like caffeine was to the common nine to five worker.

The President had been generous enough to install a slushy machine onto the most commonly used break lounge as Omael had discovered that slushies somehow managed to be the best energy source for the SOLDIER's and unenhanced workers to slog through the work day. It was a win-win situation for both sides as SOLDIER's required a lot more sugar than a common person.

Meaning that the company cut down on its budget by a good 20%.

So it was a perfectly good reason to panic when the machine began to malfunction.

Not that anyone noticed at first, the machine was in perfect condition.

It was the contents.

This all occurred because someone was a blabbermouth . . . .

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Zack was generally a fountain of information, and while it usually benefited his co-workers, this time it caused a major debacle.

A good majority of the infantry were aware that Cloud often carried around these small light green crystals.

Most believed they were a keepsake from home, but a few could attest that they had seen him actually eating them like sweets.

Now one Turk was quite interested about this little titbit of information once hearing it from Reno who had become rather close to the spiky haired blonde of late. Of course, Reno had heard about this through SOLDIER Fair . . .

Nitro was an odd Turk.

She was a rather inquisitive Turk, which was probably due to the fact she was previously a lab intern whom, on her first day, somehow managed to mix up a concoction that exploded hours later. Luckily it was after normal business hours as only the janitors and late shift workers were in the building at the time.

Once determining the source of the blast was not terrorists and just a very unstable chemical concoction, the Turks snapped her up and put her in charge of explosive development. The chemical compound she made required no trigger, and was basically a ticking time bomb that didn't need to be detonated at all. It was a liquid form, much easier to smuggle into buildings and could also be frozen and stored away for later use.

As she was a former scientist, she still liked to dabble into scientific tests, and somehow managed to obtain one of Cloud's sweets by bribing a fellow infantry trooper with . . . something (no-one who heard the story wanted to know what).

After running some extensive tests on it, she came to a conclusion.

But as it was only one test, and once determining that it would have no harsh side effects, she got the same trooper to obtain some more of the crystals, and set to work on her trial runs.

As most of the SHINRA staff used the slushie machine more than anything else, she decided that would be the best trial run, and chucked the crystals into the machine.

Unfortunately in her haste to start her tests, she never tested the reaction the crystals had with sugary substances.

It . . . did not go down well.-o0o-

Most SOLDIER's after their mako injections would normally avoid having sugar as it messed with the fresh mako in their bloodstreams. However after the fifth day, sugar consumption was perfectly fine and they would flock to the slushie machine to break their sugar ban.

However, something was odd with the machine.

Over the past few days it had been running slower, and anyone who drank from it became increasingly addicted to the slushies so much that they had to be banned from it. One of the workers had to be admitted to the infirmary as he continued to have spastic twitches in his fingers hours after he stopped drinking the slushies.

But no one knew why exactly, until someone pointed out it had been several hours since he had drank anything, the last being a slushie. The infirmary turned to Omael and asked him to please investigate since he was the head scientist and the one most qualified for this sort of thing.

Omael got straight to testing the slushie contents, but meanwhile . . .

The SOLDIER's were baffled when the slushie machine refused to work, and a maintenance worker was sent to inspect the machine.

They were, however, shocked to find the reason why the machine had stopped working.

Instead of finding crushed ice in the tank, they found an enormous solid chunk of mint green ice, and now that the tank had been opened, the pressurized ice broke into pieces and chunks went flying everywhere on the floor. In the process, the tank itself ripped apart, and the machine was broken.

A particular trooper happened to be in the area.

Cloud took one look at the mint green chunks, before taking a piece out of the (now exploded open) tank, tucked it into his mouth, and promptly frowned.

Then everything went to Ifrit's Hall in a handbasket.

A trooper, a TROOPER; someone who had no contact with Mako at all, had just forced a Code Green to be issued.

"WHO THE HEL THOUGHT IT WAS A GOOD IDEA TO CHUCK ONE OF MY SUGAR CRYSTALS INTO THE SLUSHIE MACHINE?! I thought my last batch had a few missing; now I know I was right! WHERE'S THAT THIEF?! I'LL RIP 'EM A NEW ASSHOLE!"

Luckily Keith had been in the area at the time (he had been the one to get the maintenance worker to check the machine out in the first place), and he tugged the shorter blonde out of the room, the latter kicking and screaming in outrage of his stash being pilfered.

"Someone look at the bloody surveillance tapes or I swear, I'm going to hunt the fucker down and castrate them myself!" Keith snarled before slamming the door so hard that the frame itself began to crack.

Most of the men in the room reached for their balls, shuddering at the thought before rushing to find someone with clearance to the security room.

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It took four hours for Cloud to calm down, and by the time the Mako-Green glow in his eyes had died down, the culprit had been caught.

Nitro's explanation as to why she had tampered with the slushie machine and how she had obtained Cloud's sugar crystals were quite flimsy. Tseng was absolutely furious and had her demoted to desk work as well as banning her from any chemicals for two months. Keith had to smoke an entire carton of cigarettes, he had been so pissed at her reasons and he couldn't exactly castrate her since she was a woman.

The trooper who had stolen from Cloud was booted out of the infantry and Cloud was allowed an hour in a locked room with said ex-trooper.

They could hear Cloud screaming at the ex-trooper through the _sound-proof_ walls, and when they both emerged, the trooper was deaf for a whole day afterwards.

That's when Omael came back with the results from the tests he had done on the mixture.

 _Mako_.

The mixture had contained slight traces of Mako, not enough to be dangerous or cause poisoning, but certainly enough to cause an addiction to the substance.

Once hearing exactly where Cloud imported the water he used to make the sweets from, Keith and Omael both slapped a hand over their eyes, the former muttering about how much of a headache clearing this up was going to be, while the latter began to berate the blonde trooper on how contaminated the waters were and it was amazing how his body hadn't gone into shock. He also asked for a sample so he could see if this was a better alternative to mako injections.

 _He would later discover that, while the crystals did give smaller safe dosages, it needed to be taken a lot more regularly in increased amounts than a standard injection, and so scrapped the idea for changing classes. He did, however, advise Cloud to decrease his intake so that his body could develop the proper muscles required for the amount of mako in him. The reason why Cloud's body was so underdeveloped was that the mako was burning up faster than he could use it, but only slightly since they were such small but constant dosages. A major reason why he never gained any muscle mass._

 _Cloud cut down his intake by a third, and over the course of a few weeks began to develop muscle mass, enough that Omael finally cleared him to have sword lessons with Zack who had been insisting for months, but Omael denied him once giving Cloud a brief check-up._

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 _A/N: And that, is another chapter done. Got to work tomorrow, so a quick ending note today!_

 _LiulfrLokison out! :3_


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